The Horrible Boys Guide to a Posh Hotel

We’ve just come back from a four-day trip to Texas.  Danny had work to do and the boys and I went along so that we could all visit the Space Centre in Houston (which I highly recommend by the way).

The Revolving Door:

As it was work related, we stayed at a great hotel.  I both love and live in fear of such places.  With two small boys in tow, what should feel like complete luxury turns into fear as soon as we start rotating through the revolving door and the boys decide to stop it half way round for a laugh.  We all stop and bump into the door in front of us.  But so does the guy in the suit, who’s in the other section of the door, and suddenly it’s not so funny (well, maybe it’s a little funny.)

The Hotel Lobby:

Next is negotiating the hotel lobby.  A simple thing to do.  Walk in a straight line towards the check in desk and give them your name.  Of course, walking in a straight line is far too straightforward.  Best to weave around the group of business people arranging where to have lunch, or even better, knock into them with your backpack.  Let them know you’ve arrived.

The Lobby Fountain:

We have our key and now head to the elevators but there’s a beautiful fountain on the way,  so a quick stop to throw in the five-cent coin you found on the ground.  But you miss the water and actually manage to get it on the fountain itself.  The pristine fountain that’s hard to reach, a beautiful minimalist piece of metal jetting out of the wall, now with a coin lodged in the middle of the jet.

The Hotel Elevator:

When traveling up in the elevator make sure you push every single button after your floor so that the lift stops at each one before returning to collect someone else.  The taller the hotel the more fun this is, more buttons to push.  And one final thing, be sure to jump when you estimate the lift arrives at your floor for extra effect.

The Hotel Bed:

Next the hotel room itself.  You’ve been stuck on a plane for a couple of hours, make sure you use up all that energy by jumping from one bed to the next.  If it’s a super luxury hotel, there will be extra pillows.  For more of a launch effect, pile high on one bed before leaping onto the other.

The Hotel Shower:

When taking a shower ensure both shower curtains are out of the bathtub, this allows for maximum flooding of the bathroom.

The Hotel Pool:

Finally, the hotel pool.  Again, the better the hotel, the higher the potential for mischief.   If the pool has jets projecting water into the pool for a beautiful effect, stand behind them and make it look as though you’re peeing into the pool.  Then, get your older brother to lay on the floor so it looks as though you’re peeing into his mouth, shout across the pool very loudly ‘look mummy, I’m peeing into Declan’s mouth – get the camera.’  That won’t embarrass your mother at all, she’ll love it and be so proud.

You’d really think that I might be making this up but no; this was the result of our two-night stay in Fort Worth.  My boys do have manners, I promise.  It’s just the more stars a hotel has, the worst their behaviour.  At the moment, we’re more of a Motel 6 family than a Ritz Carlton.  Or maybe we should just stick to camping until they’re eighteen and safe to let out in public.

They’ll be OK by then, won’t they?